It’s 3am and I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I gave it a good try more than once but just never seemed to connect with that darn Sandman. 16 years of having to be up at 4 every morning to go to work…6 days a week has programmed me too well . This first week of unemployment started out ok but each day has taken me into an area of uncertainty that I was not prepared for.
I rarely, up till now, have ever even had two days off in a row let alone a whole week. It started out ok. I had decided to take the first few days to get my head together as I knew that I would have to face the fact that I hadn’t had to look for a job in over a decade. I knew that the trend today was towards hiring the younger, less expensive and far more flexible workers…I had worked hard to get to that place in life where I didn’t think I would have to prove my abilities to anyone again but the best laid plans don’t always go the way we want them to.
I decided that a thorough “spring cleaning” would be a great way to start my new path. Unfortunately my sons were not use to such an event as growing up with this single mom who works a lot usually meant weekly chores and lists of “things to do “ posted on the fridge but a long stretched out time frame for getting things done was a factor both my busy sons liked. There I was pulling things out of closets ….rearranging the kitchen…moving furniture…cleaning whole walls and yes, deciding that those walls needed a new coat of paint. My poor sons still trying to grasp the fact that I was home a lot were doing their best to help.
What is it about sons that makes them so protective of their mothers ? I have always been a strong free thinking woman who raised them both with a very close eye even though I did work a lot. I wanted them to be independent as well as have minds of their own. We made it despite quite a few bumps in the road…hell, we made it through some real edge of the cliff stuff but we weathered the storms and kept things together. Neither of them are children anymore, at 16 & 28 they each in their own way are set into a routine of how they like to get things done. Up until now our planned “family time” together consisted of reading, games, watching classic movies and cooking at least one meal a day together (which was usually dinner). I got kisses good night and was off to bed long before either of them because of my early morning hours at work. It was a well ordered mixture of life’s happy moments seasoned with jobs, school and the occasional unplanned events. But they changed towards me when I lost my job.
Now it seems though that they both are worried if I have to sit down after scrubbing for awhile or if they find me just sitting quietly in a chair thinking and you should see the looks I get when I make those all to common I‘m-just-not-young-anymore groans. Yesterday, I will admit to you that I was having a sad moment about not being able to see some of my customers…People who I had taken care of every morning for so many years…My youngest caught me with tears in my eyes …ever since he has made it his mission that no matter what he is doing….he checks on me every ten minutes or so…which I confess was sweet at first but after a whole day of it….does get a bit annoying. Mostly because he doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell him that I’m ok.
My oldest is worried that now that I no longer have insurance that something catastrophic is going to happen to me. I have been battling illness all my life and he knows it but he seems to have forgotten that I was never ashamed about having to go and sit for hours at the free clinic when I had to . My doctors know that I can’t see them for awhile and have let me know that I can still call them with any concerns and have generously made sure I would have the meds I need to get by. I told my sons these things and been as positive as I can be and yet they still hover over me like any second I will fall apart. Both of them at different times have asked me if I wanted them to go with me when I went job hunting. I swear I half expect my oldest to come home and ask me if I need one of those Life-Alert buttons.
I know their concern is out of love for me and I really am so touched and proud of this but as I sit here and write this I realize that it may be one of the reasons I can’t sleep. I do have a lot to sort out . Trying to deal with our finances…finding another job…and still dealing with the loss of a very close and wonderful person in my life. So much to put in their proper places. I have always tried to deal with adversity with a positive attitude . I learned very young that anger and negative thoughts get me nowhere. But so much of my coping is built around thoughtful….quiet reflection and a deep down belief that if I listen hard I can hear my Dad’s voice in my head reassuring me that everything will eventually be ok. He has been gone almost thirty years now but I swear to you …he is still in my head as much as he is in my heart. Other than a few hours here and there my sons have managed to make sure one of them was with me at all times… I do love them so….but we all need our own “Me” time and I think that one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep and keep feeling a lost sort of feeling is because I haven’t had that soul searching….get my head on straight…pick myself up time that moments like this in life require.
Tomorrow is…oops wait it’s 4:30…LOL…today is Sunday…it will be the first Sunday I have had off in years…I think I’m going to take a long walk and find a place to sit and watch the sun come up. The boys are asleep. I’ll leave them a note promising them a big Sunday breakfast when I get back and for them not to worry but I suspect they will anyway.
I let a corporation dictate my life the last few years…I almost forgot that I use to do that myself and pretty well I might add from the awesome way my sons have turned out. Time to look within and find that positive flow again. It’s been a good time spent sharing with you again. I’ll try to do it more often as it really does make me feel more focused. Thanks J